Who Am I? There was a time in my life that I didn't know. I knew I was a daughter and a sister. A wife, then an ex-wife. A mother then a wife again then a mother again. I knew I was a former competitive gymnast, then bicycle racer, then triathlete. I knew I was a coach. I knew I was a volunteer and an employee. But honestly when I looked in the mirror I didn't have a clue.
My whole life was about living up to other's expectations, believing in their dreams and believing their dreams were mine. As a middle child I found that I got attention through sports. Sports and school came easy. I have three sisters. The responsible one was the oldest. the helpful one came next. The beautiful, popular one came after me. We all had our roles and we played them well.
I grew up in small town Nova Scotia. We're everyone knew everyone and those who didn't said they did. They also knew everything...and what they didn't they created. Like all small towns there was good and bad. Socially divided into areas of the town whose names they still proudly speak, "I'm a rowser, I'm a hiller." I knew from the time I was in the 2nd grade I wanted to be more than that. We had to create a picture of what we wanted to be when we grew up. Mine picture was somewhat of I collage. I wrote that I wanted to be a firefighter, a policeman, a doctor, a mother, a pilot and own a candy store. My teacher drew a red line thru my paper and told me to do it again. I couldn't do that. Most of "those jobs" were "men's work." I refused to do it again...and of course, my mother was called. Mrs. A started my journey to fight against the norm.
Since the age of 15 I have lived and worked in 6 provinces and a territory. I have traveled across Canada 5 times, moving from job to job. I have been to all but 2 of the United States--just to see what was there. My 2005, we decided to relocate to Alberta. Jobs were hard to come by in Nova Scotia and as a family of 6 we were barely getting by. I lasted a year and a half in Alberta. Our family life was suffering from the impact of my job and the long hours of my husbands. I found my dream job in the Northwest Territories and we moved there. For the first time in my life I knew what it was liked to be discriminated against; to face racism everyday. It was cold and I hibernated thru the winter. Only going outside to walk to work or an occasional snow shoe with my family. Fresh food was limited so we ate a lot of processed foods and my weight kept creeping up. Over time, most people came to know that I only wanted to help and that I loved the land as much as they did. The key was that I had to give up pushing my way in--to stop trying to control everything. Once I learned just to be, people came to me. I loved the life I had in the North. I was starting to get a handle on who I was. Then my youngest daughter got sick and monthly trips to Alberta to see a doctor became our way of life. Another move brought us to Ontario to be closer to the Sick Kids Hospital.
Living in Ontario has had it's ups and downs. My husband works in Alberta from October to April. My older kids are basically on their own. I was basically a single mother with no one who understood me. I faithfully watched the Biggest Lower thinking someday I will get to love my body the way those contestants do. Then one day at work I heard two colleagues talking about their trainer. I asked for more info and talked to my employer and eventually made an appointment with this trainer. it was like nothing I had ever experienced before. She didn't just want to train me. She wanted to be fix me, inside and out. Body, mind and spirit. I told her everything that I had experienced from childhood to that day. She created a healing journey for me and I have not looked back. My body is slow to respond. Hypothyroid, bulimia and years of yo-yo dieting had taken their toll on me...but I'm beginning to see the changes. The big change that happened was that I stopped living my life for other people. I stopped watching my words for fear of losing relationships and was honest and true with myself. I have come to recognize that I am important--just as important as anyone else. Who Am I? I'm still figuring that out, and I'm not in any rush. Rushing made it artificial. What I can say is that I AM ME...and that's enough. <3
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